my poor therpaist will have a shit storm to deal with come next week.

ma famila est loco.


i can remember, a lifetime ago, breaking down in a bathroom while i heard this song. i have not listened to it in full since then, almost a year ago. once there was a girl who had a pain on her heart and one day she realized it was gone. there is something beautiful, perfect, wonderful, poignoint, touching in simplicity. i wish i could stop thinking about the future as a an already written book, one which i know the outcome (it will always end in death, yes, but…but…….) and stop assuming. i will live now. i will live now.

i really though that i would never make it hear, and it’s almost laughable to me that, there are values you can place in things and then you realize you are using the wrong currency all together.

We might make love in some sacred place. That’s all I need. I can’t take my mind off of you. You step a little closer each day, so close I can’t see what’s going on. And some things, they stay the same, like time, there’s always time. I’m just another soilder on the road to nowhere. Brightness fill empty space.

caught flies

sat in the rain

sat in the car

talked about past loves, first loves, old loves, loves gone bad

got closer

this is what happened:

first, a party. a huge party. everyone i knew was there in last years recycled halloween costumes. there was a constant flow of music. there was a huge group dance, one where everyone knew the steps but me. i joined in, and every time i thought i had caught on, there was a subtle change in the steps. and then i went to a friends apartment, a place where there were quite a few dogs, and the roommates where friends who i didn’t even realize knew each other, yet they lived together. and then i was in a bed (we were supposed to go camping later that evening even though it was snowing) and i was there with a boy who used to love me and was trying to use me. i was confused, but when i came to my senses and i realized the boy that i am now was on his way, (all during the acts of violation he had been in the back of my brain, and i was panicing because i couldn’t remember his name or his face, just the sense of comfort i associated with him) and then with a rush of relief, of gratitude at beautiful, beautiful memory, his name and face came flooding back. I pushed my ex off of me and started crying, telling him I hated him, hated him so much for what he was trying to do to me, and he tried to reason with me, saying that because he once called me his, he still had rights to me. The bastard.

I  leapt off the bed and went into the living room, where I received comfort from a friend I never thought possible.

Later, I was in a shopping mall, coming down the escelator, when a friend who is now an enemy took a picture of me and I fell down. I also received an email from a different friend, one that I have been having issues with. Then, I was in a gutted department store, following around a woman with a baby. The top floor was unstable, and the elevators were like cages. When I got back down to the ground floor, I saw a group of people outside I just knew, even though I really couldn’t. I ran up to them and introduced myself, and realized it was all my mom and dad’s friends from when they were younger. I started talking with one, and I looked around and saw my mom and my dad with them, so young, not even married yet. When I introduced myself, she said, “Kacie, what a nice name.”

it’s what i do.

complications of a mastermind

last temptation of my kind

extra planetary sign

when do we align?

all in time.

i think today was when i fully decided to become an adult.

three things happened today, i will not list them here, but know one was an ending of something huge, one was an anniversary of a great loss, and one was the discovery of a secret not my own. all these integers enter an equation that, indefinately, equal the passing, from innoccence to maturity.

in memory:

two friends, passing in the night, stopped for a chat. they never said goodbye, but they didn’t, they couldn’t, forget each other. i promise, you were never fogotten. love is a strange creature, but i except its bite willingly. missing someone who can’t come back is pointless and beautiful. promise me one day, when i join you, however, that we can walk and talk like we used to. i might not believe in god, but i believe there is a place for us after.

this is porbalby just becuase i am selfish and can’t stand to imagine an entirnity without seeing the ones i love.

I once told someone my dream man was a combination of Owen Wilson and Kurt Cobain.

Scratch that.

My perfect man (look at the evidence folks) is a hybrid of John Frusciante and Ron Weasly.

Life is good, no?

now that it’s over, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

i felt quite similar with the release of stadium arcadium. but i guess good things still followed.

it’s such a watery thing. a liquid. it conforms to fit the container. you cannot trust me. that is fine, because i only ever trust myself.

i miss him. a lot.

there were so many people in my dreams last night.

i want to write him a secret. but we have none.

Time Gone Back

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